--Marilyn Monroe

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

27 life lessons learned by age 27

1. Sometimes doing the "Right" thing is usually more difficult to do than the alternative; requires a bit of sacrifice on your part, and generally goes unappreciated.

2. REAL friends are hard to find so hang on to them. They're the ones who you may not have seen for months or even YEARS, but when shit hits the fan they're right there holding your hand.

3. Despite what others may claim, nobody's going to love you more than yourself and no one's going to love you if you don't love yourself first.

3. In relationships: Love alone is NOT nearly enough.

4. Everything is a CHOICE...it's just that sometimes you won't like the choices you are given.

5. It's a lie. . Time doesn't heal anything! It's what you do with that time.

6. Worrying is useless unless it motivates you to action.

7. Likewise, complaining and crying gets you nowhere.

8. Drunken nights are great. . .but some of the worst moments of my life have been when I woke up the next day hung over and knowing that I still need to face whatever I was trying to escape via 8 patron shots and 3 vodka tonics.

9. Be careful who you trust...especially guys who lack the ability to be discrete.

10. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh.

11. What you want and what you need are more often than not, completely different things.

12. Don't put your life on hold for anyone.

13. The "right time"/"perfect moment" doesn't exist.

14. Give everything you do your absolute best, otherwise why do it at all?

15. WANT more. HOPE for more. EXPECT more. ASK for more.

16. AND don't ever take a single thing for granted.

17. Money makes things easy but its not everything.

18. Find that reason to get up for every morning because it makes life feel less empty.

19. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but most of the fish suck.

20. Don’t ignore issues that need to be addressed or tended to. It allows them time to compound and become much worse.

21. People LOVE and are drawn to you when you're at your best but not so much when you're a mess and look it.

22. Getting your heart broken- by friends, lovers, family, just plain sucks. But I would rather have my heart broken a million times by taking a chance in looking for something more.

23. Sometimes it's the people we least expect that will pull through for us when no one else will.

24. Wallowing in self-pity is OK...just don't get stuck there.

25. When your significant other fails you, disrespects you, lies or makes you feel bad about yourself don't make excuses for them.

26. Everyone likes "nice" people but you don't get anywhere by being nice. Being selfish doesn't always mean you're a bad person.

27. Learn to laugh at yourself because sometimes it's the only thing you can do to keep yourself sane.

** People will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did; but they will never forget how you made them feel.

Dear Life,

Please help me catch a break. Please help me find stability and happiness. What can I do to help myself? What am i supposed to do now?

Falling Slowly, ONCE

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Love?

To love is a choice. It is a commitment. It is not something you can turn on and off. If someone has told you they "fell out of love", they probably never really, truly loved you to begin with. Sometimes we "fall out of love" when it gets too hard for us to deal with making the relationship work.

There were days when I looked at Jim and wondered..."Is this it? Is this enough?" and days where I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

That is the ebb and flow of love. Underneath it all, was totally attached to this person and I loved him unconditionally. This is hard for many people to accept - that love doesn't always feel good. Sometimes love can be crappy, but you forge through it. But, you do need both partners (whether lovers or family or whomever) to have made the CHOICE to continue to plow through it and make the love work.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL.

idiot

i feel like an idiot. =/

How many times???

Heart broken again. How many times can a heart possibly break?

The Life That I Have by: Leo Marks

The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours

The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.

A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause
For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.

Leo Marks

sometimes. . .

sometimes when you get EXACTLY what you want you find out it's NOT really want you want. It's okay I know this will be good for me.

in my place

in my place, in my place. . .
were lines i couldn't change.

i was lost,

crossed lines i shouldn't have crossed.

i was scared, i was scared. . .
tired and unprepared.

But i'll wait for IT.

Another bad night

i hate nights like this because it never makes sense. why do i stay up listening to coldplay songs??? WTF?!! i really need to stop being so emo...ugghh i'm disgusted with myself. it kind of dawned on me that i really do blame myself for the breakup. I feel like he did everything for me and i contributed absolutely nothing, hence the ease in which he left.

* fyi: i'm not worth it and undeserving of the time and effort you're putting in. i'm sorry.

Love?

Love doesn’t flee. Love isn’t jealous. Love doesn’t cheat. Love isn’t cruel. Love doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself, or insecure about your future.

Love endures.

Dear Blog

Please help me. I have been incredibly sad as of late. What should I do? Why do I miss him? Why am I spending nights crying into a pillow? Why do i feel so alone? Why am i isolating myself???

I love the way you lie. . .

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? But that's alright because I like the way it hurts. . . Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? But that's alright because I love the way you lie. I love the way you lie. . .

I learned something today. . .

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

just one of them days.

I feel real tired but restless, lonely but needing time to be by myself. I dunno but I've been all sad today. I guess it's okay since I figure this is what I need. NEED - I have to remember that. I need to be able to be by myself and not depend on another emotionally. I need to reach my personal goals before I can even begin to address this loneliness issue =( I wish things were more simple. I just hope that I come out okay at the end of all this. I really hope that whoever I'm looking for out there would be well worth it.

Guys suck. . .

so why do I let them make me feel this way??

is it OKAY?

is it okay to hate someone and just wish nothing BUT ILL will towards them?

::sigh::

I wanna be in love. Not ready for a relationship yet thought but i'd like to meet someone...like NOW. i just remembered how crappy it is to have to go through having to break someone's heart or getting yours broken. =(

i miss my friend. but damn the whole situation wasn't exactly fair to me either. its like was he really my friend? knowing where i was coming from . . .it was his intent to let me know he liked me. He didn't hold his end of being a friend first and foremost. I was uncomfortable because he kept pressuring me to be involved in a way that i wasnt comfortable with. i dunno...why do i feel like i got dumped again?

character vs. reputation

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because
your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely
what others think you are." - John Wooden


this goes out to a certain someone. LOL.

Make You Feel My Love. . .

Awww...this is the perfect wedding song. I always thought that by the age of 27 I'd be planning my wedding. Alas, it was not to be.

I am really excited to meet that someone that I will end up getting married to although its not really the priority right now.

Everything negative - pressure, challenges - is all an opportunity for me to rise. - Kobe Bryant

Or maybe NOT. . .

Listening over and over again to "The Scientist" by Cold Play



I just kind of wish Jim would "realize" he made a mistake not because I want him back but because I want validation that I meant something to him. Almost 9 years and I feel like I was erased so easily as if I held no value whatsoever to him. I know that this is how he thinks of me and it makes me feel so worthless. What had I been doing this whole time? What does it say about me when I've spent nearly a decade of my life with someone and I did not make any sort of positive impact on their life. In my head I kept hearing him say, "I'm done." I wasn't the one to hurt him and I didn't do any wrong towards him and yet I feel as if he was right to do what he did to me. I can't blame anyone for wanting to be happy... but it hurts and I wonder was I so bad that I couldn't make him happy? What's wrong with me that I couldn't do this for him? I know its wrong to think this way but I just can't help it.

Ready?

Emotionally ready. . .situationally NOT. ::sigh::

can't sleep

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage

It hurts.

It hurts to think about jim. He failed me in so many ways as a boyfriend and then as a friend. I don't get how i could be with someone for nearly a decade, share a life and a bed together and mean so little. it sucks that he has a girlfriend already and here i am stuck and emotionally desolate. i'm reaping the consequences of HIS decisions and his emotional recklessness. its not fair. whats worse is at the end of the day i know, that while i'm not "in love" with him, i still love him very much and be there for him if he ever needed me.

I want THIS.

So I was thinking about this song and I just think there is something so endearing about it even if the lyrics sound stupid and Adam Sandler can't sing. I gotta work on myself first, then I can look for THIS =)

Adam Sandler - I wanna Grow Old With You

I wanna make you smile
Whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All i wanna do, is grow old with you

I'll get you medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
So, it could be so nice growing old with you,....

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control.

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man that grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you.

The good ones are worth waiting for

It's worth waiting for the right man

Men to avoid:

1. Any man you've already left because the relationship didn't work the first, second or third time. Don't be a repeat offender.

2. Men that are womanizers. If he's watching her while eating lunch outdoors with you, you should see a red flag. Also known as skirt chasers and horn dogs.

3. Cave men. At the least sign of trouble, they run to their caves and let you solve the problem alone. They will not be there for you when you need them the most. So ask yourself if you need them at all.

4. Compulsive liars. I once dated a man who forgot to mention he was married. Once, at a meeting, I walked in to find his wife sitting on his lap telling the whole room how her wolfy would never ever cheat on her.

5. Double booked wonders. These are the men with schedules so full you are lucky to see them once in a blue moon. If you find your boyfriend is cancelling every other date, it's time to move on.

6. Cheapskates: I'm not saying a man has to pick you up in a limo and take you out on his yacht. I'm saying if your date is constantly eating off your plate, and making you pick up the tab for everything, you should ask yourself if you really want to be in that relationship five years from now. Do you really want to date someone who wants to park 8 blocks away because they don't want to pay the $5 valet fee? Or worse, turns around and goes home because there is no parking the first lap around the block?

You want a man with character, not a man who is a character.

Look for these traits:

1. Considerate. Doesn't just bring you a coke, but brings your brother one too.

2. Prompt. Doesn't leave you standing at the movie theater entrance, only to arrive 20 minutes after the show started.

3. Career minded but not career obcessed. Makes a decent living, but doesn't work so many hours you start to wonder if he moved to another country.

4. Spiritually compatable.

5. Politically compatable or politically indifferent.

6. Good with children. Even if you don't want to have children, do you really want him snarling every time a child is in the vicinity?

7. Dresses appropriately when it's important. I don't care if he has a blue mohawk and 300 piercings when you are out on the town, but he should be willing and able to tone it down at your grandfather's funeral.

8. Not married to sports unless you are too.

9. Is positive minded and not sarcastic and cynical. Otherwise it will just drag you down over time.

10. Willing to try new things. Beware of control freaks. If you are always doing what he wants and he's rarely willing to do what you want to do, that's a big red flag. I'll never make that mistake again.

11. Slow to anger. This includes road rage. And when he is angry, he expresses it appropriately.

I'm looking for. . .

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

-sex in the city

Guys are like. . .

Guys are like drugs. They get you all high just to leave you feeling down.

Anxiety...

I've been feeling nauseous, heart pounding, can't sleep...so much effing anxiety. =(

Post Breakup: Grieving Period

So they say that it takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them. I was with jim for almost 9 years...so I should be better in like 4-5 years???!!! *Efff no!!! Sometimes I wish I was a guy and could just f*ck as many guys as possible until I get over it.

Everyone ALWAYS wants something from you. . .especially guys

I mean sh*tholes! I just broke up with my boyfriend who i had been with since I was 18 years old. For goodness sakes! I just need to be right now.

Making a List.

First off, I realize I'm being a bit passive-aggressive with having this VERY public blog and seriously contemplated on posting a profile of #$%@! (rhymes with HIM) on www.dontdatehimgirl.com. I might still actually go through with that last part, although I could very well also realize by tomorrow that I'm being stupid and this is embarrassing and take all of this down. However, at this moment I just want some sort of outlet because I am incredibly P***d off. I still wanna beat the sh*t out of that girl Ao. Yeah and if anyone you know is reading this I don't give a damn because you had me baking cupcakes for you, all the while you were trying to steal my boyfriend!

So anyway, back to the point. I'm making a list of things I DO/DON't. I'll probably be putting it up as I go along.

1) DO put in the Effort.

It is one of the biggest things I've realized since we broke up. A little goes a very long way. I spent 8.5 years with someone who did/gave things with half-hearted effort for a variety of reasons. One of the reasons I suppose was because he was given everything in life so he very well didn't know how to work hard for things, there was also the lack of experience on his part and of course in my own inexperience I lacked the understanding and foresight to know that I should be asking for more. He never called or made an effort to check in on me on a daily basis but would call at the end of HIS days (no matter how inconvenient it was for me) like anywhere from 2AM to 4AM, sometimes not at all, and I accepted that. In 8.5 years that NEVER changed and I'm kind of thinking about it now in freaking disbelief! This was in the beginning of the relationship when he was super into me. What the hell was I thinking?? When the relationship started to unravel, he called less, came by less often, lied A LOT, etc. but was there really much of a difference from the beginning of the relationship other than he said nicer things to me in the beginning.
**on a side note, have i mentioned that our relationship started off with lies and that there was also someone else. super weird how my relationship ended under similar circumstances when it started just that this time he chose the other girl?
Jim always gave me material things. He took me out to eat. Helped me out when I needed help. But he could never do the little things, like call/text when he was going to be late or for goodness sakes! just avoid being late altogether. he never planned anything for my birthday or our anniversary or heck, just plan something for the sake of planning. (Oh yeah, BUT he took that girl to a restaurant that I POINTED out to him and wanted to go to. . .that was *effing low of him!) So many little things overlooked, but to think about it now I realize how ridiculous it was and I blame myself most of all for not trying to get anything better than that for myself.

Dull throbbing. . .

so i woke up today and that dull throbbing in my chest was back. why won't it just leave me alone? I know that when I find someone else this will all become insignificant, but before I can do that I need to work on myself. i need to work on becoming independent. The next time I'm with someone I want to be in the position to ask for nothing less than their full effort. I want to be swept off my feet. I want a partner. I want EVERYTHING that Jim never gave me and very little of what he did.

Karma?

Is there really such a thing as Karma? I suppose I don't really believe in it in a "mystical" sense. As much as I want Jim and Ao to reap the consequences of screwing over another human being (ME), it probably won't happen.

Figuring things out. . .

So it is official. He has been with that girl for a while now and hiding it from people for a while. I suppose to make it look like it all just happened "innocently". I hate him! When the distance was growing I confronted it and he said, "You don't understand. The restaurant...blah blah blah". It's like the fucking asshole took me for a ride and left me in the middle of nowhere, like out in the desert but then goes...oh here's a bottle of water and some food. I've realized its always been that way with him. Giving me less than what he can give and telling me to settle for it because it's better than nothing-that I should be grateful for it. I've always felt bad and like an ingrate because it is true, that it is better than nothing but I've realized how wrong it was for him to intentionally give me less than he could and that I've NEVER had to settle for that. It's a hard lesson learned.

Fast Car. . .

So remember when we were driving, driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder
And I. . . I had the feeling that I belonged.
And I. . . I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone.


How appropriate. =/

Post Breakup: Day ???

I stopped posting because I just couldn't bear to put down the things I'm feeling. The dull pain hasn't left yet, and I suppose it won't for a long while. It's a bitter pill to swallow that the experiences we've had together will only make him a better partner to this girl he's left me for.

Post Breakup: Day 5

I wonder what kind of day today will be? Yesterday I just couldn't stop crying. I don't want to cry today. At least today I got up. . .I wanted to sleep, sleep, sleep everything away. Like maybe if I sleep long enough when I wake up it wouldn't be real, or maybe I just don't want to wake up. I feel like there is Nothing to look forward to. We're trying to be friends and I've seen him practically every day since, but I miss him?? Just kissing him or him kissing me on the forehead saying "i love you." Just that warm comfort. The feeling of "coming" home when I was with him- secure and protected. Safe. I never thought this would happen to us, but then again maybe i should have seen it. This dull pain in my chest just won't go away!! go AWAY!! go AWay!!

I think it's just the saddest thing when the connection between two people gets lost. He says the romance died, but I feel like he let it happen. He stopped communicating, then he stopped trying and it just stopped. In truth, things have been over for a while. It's easy to say something is gone when you just let it go. It's easy to say it when you've found other things to occupy your time. How do people just let go of others so easily?

The Break Up

January 22, 2009 - the worst day of my life =(

My boyfriend of over 8 years just broke up with me and now I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself. As much as I wish he would stay with me, I KNOW it's not really what would be the best situation for me. He was my world for much of my adult life. Everyday I don't even want to get up in the morning. I don't want to see a new day without him. When will the pain stop?