Listening over and over again to "The Scientist" by Cold Play
I just kind of wish Jim would "realize" he made a mistake not because I want him back but because I want validation that I meant something to him. Almost 9 years and I feel like I was erased so easily as if I held no value whatsoever to him. I know that this is how he thinks of me and it makes me feel so worthless. What had I been doing this whole time? What does it say about me when I've spent nearly a decade of my life with someone and I did not make any sort of positive impact on their life. In my head I kept hearing him say, "I'm done." I wasn't the one to hurt him and I didn't do any wrong towards him and yet I feel as if he was right to do what he did to me. I can't blame anyone for wanting to be happy... but it hurts and I wonder was I so bad that I couldn't make him happy? What's wrong with me that I couldn't do this for him? I know its wrong to think this way but I just can't help it.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
It hurts.
It hurts to think about jim. He failed me in so many ways as a boyfriend and then as a friend. I don't get how i could be with someone for nearly a decade, share a life and a bed together and mean so little. it sucks that he has a girlfriend already and here i am stuck and emotionally desolate. i'm reaping the consequences of HIS decisions and his emotional recklessness. its not fair. whats worse is at the end of the day i know, that while i'm not "in love" with him, i still love him very much and be there for him if he ever needed me.
I want THIS.
So I was thinking about this song and I just think there is something so endearing about it even if the lyrics sound stupid and Adam Sandler can't sing. I gotta work on myself first, then I can look for THIS =)
Adam Sandler - I wanna Grow Old With You
I wanna make you smile
Whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All i wanna do, is grow old with you
I'll get you medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
So, it could be so nice growing old with you,....
I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man that grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you.
Adam Sandler - I wanna Grow Old With You
I wanna make you smile
Whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All i wanna do, is grow old with you
I'll get you medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
So, it could be so nice growing old with you,....
I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man that grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you.
Friday, May 14, 2010
The good ones are worth waiting for
It's worth waiting for the right man
Men to avoid:
1. Any man you've already left because the relationship didn't work the first, second or third time. Don't be a repeat offender.
2. Men that are womanizers. If he's watching her while eating lunch outdoors with you, you should see a red flag. Also known as skirt chasers and horn dogs.
3. Cave men. At the least sign of trouble, they run to their caves and let you solve the problem alone. They will not be there for you when you need them the most. So ask yourself if you need them at all.
4. Compulsive liars. I once dated a man who forgot to mention he was married. Once, at a meeting, I walked in to find his wife sitting on his lap telling the whole room how her wolfy would never ever cheat on her.
5. Double booked wonders. These are the men with schedules so full you are lucky to see them once in a blue moon. If you find your boyfriend is cancelling every other date, it's time to move on.
6. Cheapskates: I'm not saying a man has to pick you up in a limo and take you out on his yacht. I'm saying if your date is constantly eating off your plate, and making you pick up the tab for everything, you should ask yourself if you really want to be in that relationship five years from now. Do you really want to date someone who wants to park 8 blocks away because they don't want to pay the $5 valet fee? Or worse, turns around and goes home because there is no parking the first lap around the block?
You want a man with character, not a man who is a character.
Look for these traits:
1. Considerate. Doesn't just bring you a coke, but brings your brother one too.
2. Prompt. Doesn't leave you standing at the movie theater entrance, only to arrive 20 minutes after the show started.
3. Career minded but not career obcessed. Makes a decent living, but doesn't work so many hours you start to wonder if he moved to another country.
4. Spiritually compatable.
5. Politically compatable or politically indifferent.
6. Good with children. Even if you don't want to have children, do you really want him snarling every time a child is in the vicinity?
7. Dresses appropriately when it's important. I don't care if he has a blue mohawk and 300 piercings when you are out on the town, but he should be willing and able to tone it down at your grandfather's funeral.
8. Not married to sports unless you are too.
9. Is positive minded and not sarcastic and cynical. Otherwise it will just drag you down over time.
10. Willing to try new things. Beware of control freaks. If you are always doing what he wants and he's rarely willing to do what you want to do, that's a big red flag. I'll never make that mistake again.
11. Slow to anger. This includes road rage. And when he is angry, he expresses it appropriately.
Men to avoid:
1. Any man you've already left because the relationship didn't work the first, second or third time. Don't be a repeat offender.
2. Men that are womanizers. If he's watching her while eating lunch outdoors with you, you should see a red flag. Also known as skirt chasers and horn dogs.
3. Cave men. At the least sign of trouble, they run to their caves and let you solve the problem alone. They will not be there for you when you need them the most. So ask yourself if you need them at all.
4. Compulsive liars. I once dated a man who forgot to mention he was married. Once, at a meeting, I walked in to find his wife sitting on his lap telling the whole room how her wolfy would never ever cheat on her.
5. Double booked wonders. These are the men with schedules so full you are lucky to see them once in a blue moon. If you find your boyfriend is cancelling every other date, it's time to move on.
6. Cheapskates: I'm not saying a man has to pick you up in a limo and take you out on his yacht. I'm saying if your date is constantly eating off your plate, and making you pick up the tab for everything, you should ask yourself if you really want to be in that relationship five years from now. Do you really want to date someone who wants to park 8 blocks away because they don't want to pay the $5 valet fee? Or worse, turns around and goes home because there is no parking the first lap around the block?
You want a man with character, not a man who is a character.
Look for these traits:
1. Considerate. Doesn't just bring you a coke, but brings your brother one too.
2. Prompt. Doesn't leave you standing at the movie theater entrance, only to arrive 20 minutes after the show started.
3. Career minded but not career obcessed. Makes a decent living, but doesn't work so many hours you start to wonder if he moved to another country.
4. Spiritually compatable.
5. Politically compatable or politically indifferent.
6. Good with children. Even if you don't want to have children, do you really want him snarling every time a child is in the vicinity?
7. Dresses appropriately when it's important. I don't care if he has a blue mohawk and 300 piercings when you are out on the town, but he should be willing and able to tone it down at your grandfather's funeral.
8. Not married to sports unless you are too.
9. Is positive minded and not sarcastic and cynical. Otherwise it will just drag you down over time.
10. Willing to try new things. Beware of control freaks. If you are always doing what he wants and he's rarely willing to do what you want to do, that's a big red flag. I'll never make that mistake again.
11. Slow to anger. This includes road rage. And when he is angry, he expresses it appropriately.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I'm looking for. . .
I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.
-sex in the city
-sex in the city
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Post Breakup: Grieving Period
So they say that it takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them. I was with jim for almost 9 years...so I should be better in like 4-5 years???!!! *Efff no!!! Sometimes I wish I was a guy and could just f*ck as many guys as possible until I get over it.
Everyone ALWAYS wants something from you. . .especially guys
I mean sh*tholes! I just broke up with my boyfriend who i had been with since I was 18 years old. For goodness sakes! I just need to be right now.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Making a List.
First off, I realize I'm being a bit passive-aggressive with having this VERY public blog and seriously contemplated on posting a profile of #$%@! (rhymes with HIM) on www.dontdatehimgirl.com. I might still actually go through with that last part, although I could very well also realize by tomorrow that I'm being stupid and this is embarrassing and take all of this down. However, at this moment I just want some sort of outlet because I am incredibly P***d off. I still wanna beat the sh*t out of that girl Ao. Yeah and if anyone you know is reading this I don't give a damn because you had me baking cupcakes for you, all the while you were trying to steal my boyfriend!
So anyway, back to the point. I'm making a list of things I DO/DON't. I'll probably be putting it up as I go along.
1) DO put in the Effort.
It is one of the biggest things I've realized since we broke up. A little goes a very long way. I spent 8.5 years with someone who did/gave things with half-hearted effort for a variety of reasons. One of the reasons I suppose was because he was given everything in life so he very well didn't know how to work hard for things, there was also the lack of experience on his part and of course in my own inexperience I lacked the understanding and foresight to know that I should be asking for more. He never called or made an effort to check in on me on a daily basis but would call at the end of HIS days (no matter how inconvenient it was for me) like anywhere from 2AM to 4AM, sometimes not at all, and I accepted that. In 8.5 years that NEVER changed and I'm kind of thinking about it now in freaking disbelief! This was in the beginning of the relationship when he was super into me. What the hell was I thinking?? When the relationship started to unravel, he called less, came by less often, lied A LOT, etc. but was there really much of a difference from the beginning of the relationship other than he said nicer things to me in the beginning.
**on a side note, have i mentioned that our relationship started off with lies and that there was also someone else. super weird how my relationship ended under similar circumstances when it started just that this time he chose the other girl?
Jim always gave me material things. He took me out to eat. Helped me out when I needed help. But he could never do the little things, like call/text when he was going to be late or for goodness sakes! just avoid being late altogether. he never planned anything for my birthday or our anniversary or heck, just plan something for the sake of planning. (Oh yeah, BUT he took that girl to a restaurant that I POINTED out to him and wanted to go to. . .that was *effing low of him!) So many little things overlooked, but to think about it now I realize how ridiculous it was and I blame myself most of all for not trying to get anything better than that for myself.
So anyway, back to the point. I'm making a list of things I DO/DON't. I'll probably be putting it up as I go along.
1) DO put in the Effort.
It is one of the biggest things I've realized since we broke up. A little goes a very long way. I spent 8.5 years with someone who did/gave things with half-hearted effort for a variety of reasons. One of the reasons I suppose was because he was given everything in life so he very well didn't know how to work hard for things, there was also the lack of experience on his part and of course in my own inexperience I lacked the understanding and foresight to know that I should be asking for more. He never called or made an effort to check in on me on a daily basis but would call at the end of HIS days (no matter how inconvenient it was for me) like anywhere from 2AM to 4AM, sometimes not at all, and I accepted that. In 8.5 years that NEVER changed and I'm kind of thinking about it now in freaking disbelief! This was in the beginning of the relationship when he was super into me. What the hell was I thinking?? When the relationship started to unravel, he called less, came by less often, lied A LOT, etc. but was there really much of a difference from the beginning of the relationship other than he said nicer things to me in the beginning.
**on a side note, have i mentioned that our relationship started off with lies and that there was also someone else. super weird how my relationship ended under similar circumstances when it started just that this time he chose the other girl?
Jim always gave me material things. He took me out to eat. Helped me out when I needed help. But he could never do the little things, like call/text when he was going to be late or for goodness sakes! just avoid being late altogether. he never planned anything for my birthday or our anniversary or heck, just plan something for the sake of planning. (Oh yeah, BUT he took that girl to a restaurant that I POINTED out to him and wanted to go to. . .that was *effing low of him!) So many little things overlooked, but to think about it now I realize how ridiculous it was and I blame myself most of all for not trying to get anything better than that for myself.
Dull throbbing. . .
so i woke up today and that dull throbbing in my chest was back. why won't it just leave me alone? I know that when I find someone else this will all become insignificant, but before I can do that I need to work on myself. i need to work on becoming independent. The next time I'm with someone I want to be in the position to ask for nothing less than their full effort. I want to be swept off my feet. I want a partner. I want EVERYTHING that Jim never gave me and very little of what he did.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Karma?
Is there really such a thing as Karma? I suppose I don't really believe in it in a "mystical" sense. As much as I want Jim and Ao to reap the consequences of screwing over another human being (ME), it probably won't happen.
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